


it hurts, but it's okay (i'm used to it)

by KayveeWrites



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Hurt/Comfort, IRL Fic, Minor Swearing, Sad TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), TommyInnit Angst (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot and TommyInnit are Siblings, being called annoying does not help one's mental health tbh, feeling like a burden, pog - Freeform, unintentional self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-12 16:40:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29013732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KayveeWrites/pseuds/KayveeWrites
Summary: “You know they don’t mean it?” Nick insisted, yet his voice was still soft. As if he were speaking to a feral animal.“I know. It just hurts, but it’s okay.” Tommy paused. “I’m used to it.”-After the rap battles from Quackity’s Jackbox stream, Tommy spirals. He has to prove to everyone he isn’t annoying.
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s), TommyInnit & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit
Comments: 10
Kudos: 815





	it hurts, but it's okay (i'm used to it)

**Author's Note:**

> Quick disclaimer, if any of the creators feel express that they are uncomfortable with any in-game or IRL fanfiction, this will be taken down! Thanks.
> 
> TWS: Minor/Implied Unintentional Self-Harm
> 
> This is a fic regarding the content creator's persons, not them themselves. This is solely for writing, and in no way am I assuming their personal life. Thus the tag 'IRL Fic.'
> 
> I'm like shoving out MCYT fics every day at this point. I wrote this because I felt many people call Tommy annoying, and damn we don't know what that does to him. Again minor break of writing SMP characters, as I love writing them, I just need a change of pace. Also, I am totally using Sapnap as the comforting character again because he's fun to write and so wholesome. Enjoy. ♡

The second Quackity’s stream ended, Tommy replayed two specific clips over and over again. The first is Dream saying his name needs to be in the title to get views. The second is Wilbur claiming he steals personalities. Tommy hates it. Do they really find him annoying? Do they really believe he couldn’t get there by himself?

He shook his head. They wouldn’t think that, right? Would they? A voice in the back of his head says they would, but Tommy knows they wouldn’t. It’s late. He needed to sleep. He quickly checks his school’s webpage, ensuring he has no homework, before getting ready for bed.

It doesn’t take long for the thoughts to come back. Tommy briefly considers texting someone and making sure they didn’t mean what they said. But that would just make him annoying, wouldn’t it? He didn’t want to text anyone and further increase their wrath.

He mutes his phone, setting it on charge before nose-diving for his bed. He grabs the closest blanket, curling it around himself. He tries to sleep, but to no avail. The thoughts are still present and not going away. It’s not his fault he starts crying, and it’s not his fault he can’t stop.

He knows it’s stupid to cry over such a minuscule comment. It just hurts. He’s called annoying on Twitter every day, saying he is only famous because of the people he hangs out with. It hurts, but he’s used to his fans. Hearing it from his idols only makes the pain sting even more like pouring salt on an already open wound. 

He shouldn’t be upset. He has everything a boy his age could ever want. He was ungrateful. His nails start to dig into his palms, leaving small half-moons and inducing a minor level of pain. Tommy thinks he deserves it.

At some point last night, Tommy fell asleep crying. He awoke to a wet pillow and red arms. Tommy sighed, making his way to the washroom and cleaning himself up. Next, he chucked the pillow-case in the wash before turning on his laptop.

He’s got school. He logs onto the zoom call, waiting for the teacher to start. He tries to ignore the kids snickering about his YouTube channel. They do this all the time. At least through the online school, he can try to ignore it. It’s still hard.

The teacher starts as usual, and Tommy sits there, exhausted. His notes are sloppy, and he is barely listening to the lesson. It’s fine. He’ll just ask one of his buddies for their recap.

When his class breaks for lunch, he grabs a coke and pulls his phone out. His first instinct is to go on Twitter, which probably isn’t good for his mental health, but he does it anyway. To no surprise, there are tons of tweets regarding how annoying he is.

He skims through them, tears forming in the corner of his eyes. It gets to a point where they are so mean he chucks his phone across the room. He panicked as it flew but instantly relaxed as it hit a blanket, not breaking.

After what felt like forever, school ended. Tommy checked the SMP’s discord, not surprised to see he had a minor lore stream today. He finished what assignments he had to, before heading to the bathroom and throwing on a hoodie.

Sure, he usually wore a Tommy shirt, but honestly, his arms still had marks, and he was just cold. Instead of grabbing a coke, he grabbed a hot chocolate, hoping that would warm him up. Whether it’s the room that’s cold or his mind creating it, he can’t tell.

He starts streaming, instantly putting on his loud and annoying persona. If anyone notices the title not having another creator’s name, he doesn’t mention it. If someone points out how tired and low his voice is, he ignores them. He just needs to keep this up till his designated end time.

By the time he finishes, he collapses in his chair, sending a raid off to Tubbo. The kid deserved it more than he did, anyway. He rewatches the stream, reading through chat. Then he looks through Twitter, then discord.

He’s surprised to see quite a few messages from different players. Often they just ignored him or told him off for being loud.

**_Wilby_ **

_Hey! Excellent stream, kiddo. Are you doing okay? You look tired._

**_Phil_ **

_You okay, Toms?_

**_Tubbo_ **

_Thanks for the raid. :D I hope you are doing okay._

Tommy scoffed at the concern. They didn’t need to fake it. They all just played the family dynamic up for the camera. If anything, Tommy felt it was one-sided. He considered them family but wasn’t sure if they considered him family.

He just ignored their messages, joining his parents in watching a movie. They had UP on, which always made Tommy feel better.

* * *

Tommy continued pretending to be okay for a few more days. At some point, the thoughts and comments became too much. He decided he would prove he wasn’t annoying. He asked Sapnap if he wanted to record a video. He had a point to prove.

Nick accepted, and the two hopped into a VC. They filmed a funny video about learning how to speedrun. Tommy had been quieter most of the recording, not interrupting Sapnap or willingly being annoying.

He thanked the older man before heading off to edit the video. He threw it all together quite nicely, making sure both he and Nick had around the same screen time. Usually, he would ask Phil or Wilbur what they thought of the video, but not today.

He began putting in the details for the video, avoiding the title for now. He linked Sapnap in the description and edited a basic thumbnail. A thumbnail that wasn’t clickbait, just a screenshot from the video.

As he got to the title, he sat still for a few moments, thinking. His regular videos told him to put Nick’s name in the title, but his recent thoughts told him not to. After thinking, he decided on the title ‘learning to speedrun.’

He was trying to prove that he could get views without mentioning Dream or stealing someone’s ideas or persona. This is why Sapnap wasn’t in the title, Tommy had quieted down, and the thumbnail was basic.

The video went through, and Tommy smiled. He played it through, watching himself. To be honest, he found himself less annoying. That was a good start. Sapnap also greatly improved the video, considering he made up for Tommy’s lack of energy.

Tommy had the video refreshing, watching the view count go up. He was right; he could get there without others. He was startled out of his thoughts by a discord ping. He opened his phone to find a message from Nick. That was odd.

**_Sapnap_ **

_You okay, man? Do you want to call?_

Tommy’s brows furrowed. Why would Sapnap be concerned for him? Had he given a reason? Tommy didn’t think he had. He had acted perfectly usual. If anything, he had behaved better than expected. Still, he didn’t want Nick to worry more, so he quickly sent a message back.

Within seconds, a call was coming through his device. He set the phone on his desk, accepting the request to voice chat. He could hear some shuffling on Nick’s side before he settled in front of his mic.

“TommyInnit!” Sapnap called through the phone. His voice filled with a facade of enthusiasm. Worry very much evident underneath it.

“Hey, Nick. What’s up, man?” Tommy asked, hating that his voice was quiet.

“Nothing much.” Sapnap mused before continuing. “You know you can put my name in the title if you want?”

“I know,” Tommy assured.

“So, why don’t ya?” Nick pondered gently. Tommy was surprised he wasn’t getting bullied or scolded. Was Sapnap not upset with him?

“Trying to prove a point.” Tommy supposed he could trust Sapnap. Especially considering he wasn’t mad.

“What point would that be?”

“Proving I’m not annoying, and I can get views without others,” Tommy muttered sadly and almost inaudible.

“Where did ya get that idea from, kiddo?” Nick asked softly, and Tommy wondered if the concern was actually genuine. Tommy just shrugged but then realized Sapnap couldn’t see him. Deciding against talking, he sent the clips from the JackBox stream to the older man.

“You know they don’t mean it?” Nick insisted, yet his voice was still soft. As if he were speaking to a feral animal.

“I know. It just hurts, but it’s okay.” Tommy paused. “I’m used to it.”

“You shouldn’t be.”

“Yeah, well, society is kinda cruel.”

“I know, kiddo.” Nick considered what he should say next. How could he help the kid? “You could take a little break,” Sapnap suggested. “Just focus on yourself for a few days.”

“That might be good,” Tommy confirmed. “Though I wouldn’t want anyone to be mad. I probably have a recording or two I need to do.”

“I could talk to them.” Nick offered. “I’ll just tell them you need a few days. I’ll give a vague reason, saying it’s your mental health. No need to go into crazy detail.”

“Would you?” Tommy asked, yawning through the phone. Sapnap just let out a small chuckle.

“Of course, I would.” Another yawn. “Why don’t you get some sleep?”

“Sounds good.” Tommy slurred, exhaustion taking over. “Talk soon.”

The call ended.

* * *

Sapnap had been there during the rap battles, and he had to admit that Wilbur and Dream had taken it a bit too far. The kid bounced back just a little too quickly for his liking. There was obviously something wrong, and that was only confirmed by his talk with Tommy tonight.

People had seriously pushed Tommy far enough that he had believed the comments being thrown around. Nick wouldn’t stand for that. If anything, these remarks were far from true. Sure, Tommy was loud, but he was never annoying. If anything, his personality made him even more lovable.

Then there was the kid believing that he only got there because of Dream. How could he feel that why? Sure, initially having creators' names in his titles boosted him, but he would’ve got there without them. Tommy was smart, and people believed he was only there because of other creators made Nick’s blood boil.

He opened the SMP discord, starting to craft a message. Tommy had said he could tell the group it was about his mental health. Sapnap hoped that would keep everyone at bay for a few days. Once it was perfect, he pressed send.

**_Sapnap_ **

_Tommy is taking a mental health break for a few days. More likely week if I can convince him. So don’t expect him to stream or show up for recordings. Maybe lay off the jokes as well. (@Dream this okay? I already told him it was anyways)_

**_Wilbur_ **

_Is he okay?!_

**_Niki_ **

_Oh! Please tell him I didn’t mean any comments I’ve made._

**_Dream_ **

_That’s fine. Tell Tommy he can have as long as he needs._

**_Quackity_ **

_What happened, Nick?_

Sapnap elected to ignore the messages for the time being. They had only contributed to the boy’s declining condition. He also needed to apologize, considering he had made some comments about Tommy as well. Carefully putting together a message, he sent an apology. He just hoped the boy would be okay.

After a while, Nick’s phone began pinging off like crazy. Looking at discord, he noticed he had been added to a group chat with the rest of Sleepy Bois Inc, but without Tommy. They were all sitting in a call, and they were asking him to join.

He sighed. They weren’t going to shut up until they had an answer. Navigating his page, he joined their call.

“Thank god! Nick, is Tommy okay?” Wilbur asked quickly, and Nick smiled, hearing the brotherly concern in his voice. Before he got the chance to respond, questions were coming from every angle.

“Is my Tommy okay?”

“What’s wrong with the gremlin?”

“Did we do something?”

“Just calm down, and shut up!” Nick demanded, and the entire call went silent. He took a deep breath in, sending the clips from the stream into the chat. He had also sent a few more he found on his own. Surprisingly, almost every member of the SMP had called Tommy annoying at one point in their life.

“So? We always call him annoying?” Techno pointed out as if it were apparent, yet he still sounded somewhat worried.

“Ever considered the toll that has on his mental health?” Sapnap retorted back, and the call went quiet once again. “After the rap battles, he tried proving that he could get views without other big creators.”

“I wasn’t saying he couldn’t. I just asked why he didn’t put my name in the title of his recent video.” Sapnap explained. “Which ultimately led to him confessing his decline in mental health in my VC.”

“This is all my fucking fault. I should have-“ Wilbur was quickly interrupted.

“Everyone is to blame, Wilbur.” Nick paused. He didn’t want to make Wilbur feel any more guilty than he already was. If anything, the older-brother figure had made the least comments about Tommy. “Just be there for the kid. He’d be happy with some reassurance from you.” He could feel Wilbur nodding.

“He’s asleep now, though.” Sapnap quickly stated, figuring Wilbur was about to leave and call Tommy. “Talk to him in the morning, okay?” Wilbur made a noise of agreement before leaving, likely going to make a plan.

“As for the rest of you.” Nick paused. “We’ve got a lot to talk about.”

* * *

The morning rolled around, Tommy waking up to his phone blaring. Stupid alarms couldn’t have let him sleep in. As he went to turn off his alarm, he noticed the significant amount of messages visible on his phone.

**_10 voicemails (Wilbur, Phil, Tubbo, Technoblade, Dream, etc.)_ **

**_100+ new messages_ **

He groaned as he remembered the events of last night. He had confessed what was going on to Sapnap. Probably not the best decision, but it gave him a week to put on a new facade. Using Touch ID, he opened his device and scrolled through discord.

He looked over the message Sapnap put in the SMP server and skimmed the responses. There were quite a few, a lot from people he barely talked to when it came to private DMs. He responded to Nick’s message, forgiving and thanking him. He knew the older boy wouldn’t see it for a few hours.

He ignored the rest of them, only opening the most important one. Wilbur’s. Which only had one message ping.

**_Wilby_ **

_Call me in the morning or whenever you’re feeling up to it._

If anything, he should talk to Wilbur. The man was like an older brother, and it had only been the JackBox remark that really stuck out. He found his way to Wilbur’s contact. He hesitated for a moment before pressing the call button.

He was quite surprised to find that Wilbur answered instantly. It was still morning, and the man probably had better things to do than console a whining child. Nevertheless the less, the voice coming through the phone was filled with genuine concern and worry.

“Hey, Toms. You there?” Wilbur asked, his voice soft and gentle.

“Hey, Wilby,” Tommy muttered, using the nickname for comfort. He heard Wilbur awe at the name, then quickly change his tone.

He heard Wilbur take a deep breath in. “I’m really sorry, Toms.” Tommy went to interrupt, but Wilbur beat him to it. “We should have noticed. I should’ve noticed, for heaven's sake.”

“Don’t blame yourself, Wilby. I’m used to hiding it.” Tommy assured, leaning on the headboard of his bed.

“You shouldn’t have to hide it!” Wilbur exclaimed, louder than needed. Tommy winced, the noise hurting his head. Wilbur quickly apologized before returning to his original statement.

“You’re not annoying, and you don’t steal personalities,” Wilbur continued. “That was wrong of me to say. Your persona is so unique, and it brightens up my day.”

“You’re not lying?” Tommy asked quietly, unsure if he trusted what Wilbur was saying or not. Wilbur was quick to reassure him he wasn’t.

“No! Of course not. You are the best little brother I could ask for.” Wilbur paused. “It’s not for clout. You truly are like family to me.” It felt like a breath of fresh air to Tommy, and he couldn’t help it when a sob escaped his lips.

“Thank you, Wilbur,” Tommy whispered. “I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have to deal with me.” He said as he wiped his tears on his shirt.

“Tommy, I’m choosing to be here,” Wilbur reassured, genuine care visible in his voice. “Now, you definitely deserve this break. So, why don’t we play something relaxing?”

“Do the others have to come, or can we just play together?” Tommy inquired, not sure if Wilbur would be mad. He just didn’t want to talk to anyone else right now.

“It can be just us, kiddo,” Wilbur promised. “Now, what do you want to do, Toms?”

“Can we watch a movie, Wilby?” Tommy requested, pulling his laptop over from his desk to sit on his lap. He was met with a hum of agreement. He joined the discord call on his other device and watched as Wilbur picked one of Tommy’s favourite movies.

They shifted into a pleasant mood. Eventually, Tommy told Wilbur to invite the others, who apologized profusely. Tommy just reassured them everything was okay. After a while, Wilbur pulled him aside once more.

“You promise to tell me whenever something is wrong, Tommy?” Wilbur asked. “You shouldn't be used to hurting.”

“Yeah, I promise, Wilby.”

**Author's Note:**

> Also, this is fanfiction. Let's not slander characters for things they do in SMP or IRL fanfiction. Thanks! ♡


End file.
